Chelsea in Wonderland

Fear

Chelsea — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 04:03:42 +0000

February 6, 2010

I have control issues. But not the kind of control issues you’d probably assume I have, or for the reasons you’d probably assume I would get them because.
I have control issues that stem from a deep disgust and fear of losing reliability on one’s self. I guess you could put it that way. I’ve spent the majority of my life, majority meaning all but 138 days, with my life being controlled by some form of incapacity and fear.
And let me tell you, it is often said that money is the root of all evil. Money is absolutely not the root of all evil.
Fear is the root of all evil. Of all pain and suffering and death and hatred and war and conflict. Fear destroys people. It consumes, and it is endlessly hungry for poor, lonely souls. Fear is the blackness of the universe that is often so deeply hidden within ourselves we do not know it is there. It is that which makes the young child cry out for their mothers when the bulb in their night-light goes out. It is that which makes the broken woman bite her lip and clench her teeth in an argument so as not to meet again the pain of a husband’s angry fist. It is that which is seeded into the hearts of the raging soldiers, penetrating and destroying the homes of the Rwandan innocent. It is in the glistening eyes of those subjected to harassment for the openness of their religious beliefs or sexuality. It is in the full wallets of the empty industry barons, the dead beat dads, and the nuclear bomb dropping on a city of civilians. Fear has no limitations or boundaries. It can only be challenged and overcome by love.

I plan on continuing this at a later date, when I can further express my thoughts on the influence of love, they’re rather underdeveloped right now.

Until next time, xo.

Motivation for the previous post.

Chelsea — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:37:10 +0000

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=1289

2010.

Chelsea — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:33:20 +0000

I truly am so easily inspired. I think that at times I become so uninspired that I forget how to be inspired. Or at least, to make the effort to be inspired. A simple film or photograph or poem or sunset can always do the trick. Lately, it seems to be a patience problem. I have become a very impatient person, and I am looking to resolve this advancement. With this in mind, I would like to address my resolutions for 2010.

I would like to take my health plan a little more seriously now. I imagine this must be on everyone’s list, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it will positively never leave my list. You’d think that something I’ve been agonizing over for the last five years would be taken with a bit of weight by now.
I’d like to return to painting. I have not for so long, and despite the hectic lifestyle I seem to be submerged in, painting has always been a perfectly healthy outlet for my anxiety that seems to have been neglected as of late.
I would like to be kinder, braver, and more carefree, though simultaneously strengthen my drive and willpower. The two objectives seem to completely contradict each other, I know.
I would like to find the way in which I will accomplish my a fore mentioned resolution.
I would like to stop using “I would like” and start using “I will”.

On that note, I will say that this past year has really brought light to the importance of personal growth and understanding. I will not let that journey end, ever. Here’s to 2010.

I have a new love

Chelsea — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:13:15 +0000

No, not replacing him, I have yet to be proven that’s possible.

My new love is for french films, granted I have only seen a few, and they were popular enough to be shown in America, (Oh, how very cultured we are -_-) but I can already tell that french films and I will become very good friends.

I just finished watching Un long dimanche de fiancailles. There was a certain beauty to it that my words fail me in explaining, but it was like nothing I’ve seen before. I was waiting for some grand emotional appeal in the end, queuing the violins and the tears, when some chance of fate would turn the direction of the movie into the magic you most desire in your own life, but naive me, used to the revolutionized, big bucks, Hollywood ending, did not find such a tying of loose ends. I won’t give all the details of the movie, that’s not what I want to do or have the energy/time to do, but it was so, so simple. And it was meant to be that way for a reason, and it worked. I look forward to my next french film.

“Mathilde leans back against her chair, folds her hands in her lap, and looks at him. In the sweetness of the air, in the light of the garden, Mathilde looks at him. She looks at him… She looks at him…”

A word of wisdom

Chelsea — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:27:39 +0000

I’m trying to stay positive these days, trying to live for each moment, forgetting the ones before me and welcoming the ones to come. My progress may be minuscule, but it has still taken me further from where I once was.

“Tomorrow is much brighter when it’s not smeared with a fixation on yesterday.”

As of lately,

Chelsea — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:06:59 +0000

I have an addiction to shopping Sephora online — to get the free stuff of course, my stress level is becoming rather ugly as it continues to rise each day, my weight loss seems to be cemented in park, I don’t seem to ever be returning home .. it was nice knowing you guys anyway, and my dry, sarcastic humor sounds dull in even my own ears. Three cheers for life-altering tragedy. Let’s see if I can make it to two within the next month. Who wants to die next!? Woohoo!

Who says?

Chelsea — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 22:10:22 +0000

Who says I can’t be free
From all of the things that I used to be
Rewrite my history
Who says I can’t be free
-John Mayer

This week has been long, tedious, and gloomy, but I must say that it makes not being in school so much more satisfying. It’s only Thursday, but there’s a staff day tomorrow so Marianne and I have a trip planned. We reserved a tour at Boston University for 10:00 am, thus I must leave this house at atleast 7:00 am. Rough. But very worthwhile. I’ve never really objected to doing things early in the morning, in fact, I’d say I prefer doing things earlier because it seems I get more out of it that way. I love the feeling of waking up early with excitement, knowing that I get to begin my day immediately with something to look forward to. Like Christmas morning.

… Did I honestly just compare a college tour to Christmas morning ..?

Anyway, I’ll be honest, I do look forward to college probably more than most high school students, but I am also totally pumped to be in Boston, I love the city more than most places I’ve ever known <3 I’m also really interested in applying to BU, so who says I can’t love college? ;)

Anyway, dinner is being served soon, and I am ravenous lately. It’s disturbing.

Until next time, xo

You Know You Love Me, XoXo ;)

Chelsea — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:39:08 +0000

When all else fails, I retreat to Gossip Girl and it lifts my spirits and replenishes my hunger for life. In truth, it shows how much more pathetic I am. I’m okay with it though.

Until next time, xo.

Lyrics to keep my spirits high, 11/11/09

Chelsea — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:01:26 +0000

I think I’m going to start posting lyrics here as little reminders to have faith in my times of doubt. And no, I don’t mean FAITHfaith, I mean faith in life and humanity. I guess they might be perceived as the same thing anyway.

“Some of us, We’re hardly ever here
The rest of us, we’re born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I’ll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I’ll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me”

- Vultures, John Mayer

“I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility
And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet”

- Haven’t Met You Yet, Michael Buble

Back to bed

Chelsea — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:32:40 +0000

As I was rudely awakened this morning by the bright sunshine streaming through my window at 7:40 AM, it is a surprise to me that I am still awake and functioning (sort of.) My brain is slowly shutting down after I’ve just spent the last four hours or so working on my stupid generic bulletin I needed to create for my religion class. It actually is a pretty cool project, and I would much prefer it over a paper, but it is time consuming nonetheless. And speaking of time consuming, I am currently multitasking and also reading a guide to being more productive. It’s ironic that I found the article using StumbleUpon, a website created entirely around wasting time — (but finding the most interesting things while doing so.)

Although I was unable to go home this weekend, I did get some things done that I would not have been able to otherwise. I’ve realized that I have had much difficulty in setting my mind to things lately. Or rather, I have no trouble setting my mind to it, I’ve got the mental component down pat, it’s the following through lately that has really failed me. What’s even worse is that each time I stray from the path that I want to take, I recognize that I am and become upset by it, but continue to do it anyway. So fine, maybe there is a brain glitch in there somewhere. It doesn’t surprise me much, my head has been all over the place.

But anywho, it feels like someone glued dumbbells to my eyelids, they are incredibly heavy. I bet I jinxed it when i said I’ve been up since 7:40 and I’m not tired yet. Damnit. I’ll update again sometime on my progress of my inability to channel my mental decisions to the physical realm.

Until then, xo.