As I was rudely awakened this morning by the bright sunshine streaming through my window at 7:40 AM, it is a surprise to me that I am still awake and functioning (sort of.) My brain is slowly shutting down after I’ve just spent the last four hours or so working on my stupid generic bulletin I needed to create for my religion class. It actually is a pretty cool project, and I would much prefer it over a paper, but it is time consuming nonetheless. And speaking of time consuming, I am currently multitasking and also reading a guide to being more productive. It’s ironic that I found the article using StumbleUpon, a website created entirely around wasting time — (but finding the most interesting things while doing so.)
Although I was unable to go home this weekend, I did get some things done that I would not have been able to otherwise. I’ve realized that I have had much difficulty in setting my mind to things lately. Or rather, I have no trouble setting my mind to it, I’ve got the mental component down pat, it’s the following through lately that has really failed me. What’s even worse is that each time I stray from the path that I want to take, I recognize that I am and become upset by it, but continue to do it anyway. So fine, maybe there is a brain glitch in there somewhere. It doesn’t surprise me much, my head has been all over the place.
But anywho, it feels like someone glued dumbbells to my eyelids, they are incredibly heavy. I bet I jinxed it when i said I’ve been up since 7:40 and I’m not tired yet. Damnit. I’ll update again sometime on my progress of my inability to channel my mental decisions to the physical realm.
Until then, xo.
I miss right now. I miss summer, I miss Worcester, I miss my friends, always, I miss my mom. I miss being able to go to school and enjoying it. I miss the feeling that I don’t really have a reason to be sad, that it’s just in my head and that tomorrow will indefinitely be better. I miss having to complain about fieldhockey, but loving the feeling of being a part of the team. I miss my theater class. I miss everything.
I’ve been sad lately, I’m not really sure why. I mean I know I have plenty of reasons to be sad, I’m just not sure why it’s been coming up randomly. Yesterday I watched Enchanted. I absolutely love that movie. It may be a kid movie, but it lightens my heart. Amy Adams is so endearing in it, and whenever I watch it I feel like maybe somewhere, somehow, magic still does exist, fairytales exist. It’s a silly thought, I know. But if it keeps me hopeful, then it can’t be that silly, right? Right.
I’m terribly sick today, I stayed home from school again. I’m beginning to dislike myself for how often I’ve stayed home I think. But anywho, I think I’m going to try to clean my room. I hate a messy room, but a clean room always puts me in a good mood. I’ll be on here again sometime.
Until then, xo.
Filed under: Life
Day one of my new self-help project is going well so far. According to my Sparkpeople fitness plan, I am supposed to be eating more fruits and vegetables, at least two, which I have already gotten in. For breakfast I had coffee, a banana, and a spinach/onion/cheddar omelet. But not all in one sitting, (banana and eggs?) Ew. Lunch; salad and a roll per usual, but I made sure to bulk it up with lettuce today, and not croutons. I have a habit of choosing to eat a salad, but I end up piling on enough to make cheese fries look healthier. An apple as an after class refresher, and I am going to the gym after my aunts gets off her conference call. We’ll see how dinner goes though, that’s usually what hurts me. In not nutritional news, I had a lot of testing today, followed by an assembly and time spent researching my paper. (Which one ..? -_-) I am also making slow but steady progress with my relationships with people at school. I hate being new, but I can’t let my impatience overcome me. I also apologize for the boringness of this post, another plan I have on Sparkpeople is to keep a journal. I figured this served purpose well enough. However, I must now tend to a vital component of my road to success, homework. I’ll try to fit in a post tomorrow.
Until then, xo.
Filed under: Life, The Internet | Tags: life in a rut, self improvement, The Pretty Project
Today was rough. I’ve been feeling really out of shape lately, and after trying to workout and unsuccessfully reduce stress, I came to the conclusion that I can’t half ass this anymore. Feeling out of shape only adds to my already heaping amount of anxiety, and I refuse to let it bring me down. I have now fallen in love with a blog, “The Pretty Project” which has motivated me, along with my bad day, to start my own self project. I am going to become the better person I have always wanted to be, no more excuses. If not now, then when? I have ALOT to do, so I might as well start from the bottom. I am already almost finished with redecorating my room, I’ll get the pictures on here as soon as I finish hanging things up. My life may be in a rut right now, but I’ll be damned if I let it stop me. Ready, set, go.
So, I have anxiety, I need a nap, and I have a growing pile of homework that is probably going to soon devour me. But I need to write.
These past few weeks have been the most difficult in my entire life. First, the loss of my mom. It’s already been two weeks but it feels like it happened yesterday. Time has been playing tricks with my head, it passes slowly yet so quickly at the same time. Secondly, I had to move to Springfield. I know no one, I don’t know the area and everything I do know is at the least, forty-five minutes away. Thirdly, I’ve been to three different high schools in the last week. Regardless of how much I complained about school and practice and silly drama amongst my friends, it was still my whole world. And it was taken away from me, like my home, and like my mother. I’m trying so hard to keep my head clear in the middle of all of this, to keep afloat. I feel like I’m completely lost. I mean yes, I have a roof over my head and I have access to much more financially than I have ever before, but no amount of money can fill the void that was once my life.
I know that it may be selfish of me, but I wish that I could go back to when my mom was still in the hospital. When she was in the hospital I was able to see my family, and I had the constant support of my friends and I was always looking to the future, yet it was acceptable to keep living one hour at a time. I knew at that point that my mom wasn’t going to make it, but I still had her. I still had the chance to touch her, and talk to her, and let her know that I loved her. I had something to occupy my brain. I was distracted. I was kept busy by everyone around me, as if they feared idleness. It was like they were too scared to sit down to take a breath, because they might find there was no air. But now, now that she’s already gone and her memorial service passed, life begins again. Throughout it all, I never really expected the world to stop. I go about things rationally, and it would be incredibly irrational to expect such a thing. And that’s one of the hardest parts, I understand it all. I understand it, and why things have to be the way they are, and it leaves no room for hope or chance. If I was even a little bit in the dark, I could have the slightest fantasy that perhaps the fates would work in my favor and things could get better. But I know and understand the harsh reality of it all and I’m just waiting until I get to the point where I can deal with it.
Besides the beautiful colors, the crisp days, and the halloween parties, another reason to love October is because the month gives me an excuse to eat something like this (not like I would need much of an excuse anyway):
So what is this, you ask? This is a pumpkin Pie Milkshake, compliments of OurBestBites.com. The recipe goes as follows
Pumpkin Pie Milkshake
Recipe by Our Best Bites1/3 C pumpkin, canned or homemade
1/4 – 1/2 C milk
1/4 t vanilla
1/2 t cinnamon
1/16 t cloves (just use a 1/8 t measure and fill it half way, or do a pinch)
1/16 t nutmeg
2 T brown sugar
2 C vanilla ice cream
a few graham crackersPop it all in a blender. Start with 1/4 C milk and then slowly add more if needed to make the blender process it all. I used somewhere between 1/4-1/2 C.
And let me just say, that I love pumpkins, I love everything about them, and I am incredibly excited to try this. Infact, I think I’ll email it to my aunt now. :) Bon appetit!
In other news, there has been a ton happening, but I’ll save that for another post.
Until then, xo
Filed under: Life
i am heartbroken.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance For the break that will make it ok There's always some reason to feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins They may be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an Angel fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here.<3loveyoumom
Filed under: Life, Media | Tags: audition, dinner conversation, end of summer, growing up, Julie and Julia
Tonight is the second to last night of summer. I’m sitting on Heather’s bed, propped against the wall, putting off getting ready to go to sleep, although I know that it’s 10:21 and I should because I have to wake up early tomorrow morning and volunteer at my school, and then go to field hockey practice.
I know that I write a lot of gloomy-type entries, and I don’t mean to, I just realized that I tend to be sort of gloomy when I sit down and think about everything that’s going on. Most of the time I’m just goinggoinggoing and I don’t have the chance to sit down and be pensive. But when I do, I often end up like this – slightly sad, and in the mood to write.
Lately I love the song Daylight by Matt and Kim. Yes, I heard it in that Bacardi commercial. It’s not my fault it’s so catchy ;) But do you ever go through a phase when you like a song so much, and it makes you so happy, that when you get over your phase, listening to that song again then makes you sad? If you have, then you understand. If not, then I’ll just say that it’s not the sort of sad that makes you watch lifetime with a pint of ben and jerry’s, or the kind of sad that makes you cry yourself to sleep, just the sort of sad that makes you remember times that you’ve had fun, and again, just brings you into a type of gloominess.
ANYWAY, enough with the gloominess. Last night I saw Julie and Julia :) It was adorable. I also loved the soundtrack. It was inspirational in the sense that life never has to be boring or hopeless. It’s as interesting as you make it. I love Amy Adams too, she’s so endearing. Sometimes I wish I could be as sweet and cute as her, but when I try, my cynicism gets in the way =/ I will say however that within this summer I have grown and come to realize so much. After Jonny I am more true to my heart, after Princeton, I have a much clearer view of my values and my goals, and all in all, I am more comfortable in my skin these days. And it’s a good feeling. (I’ll exclude the last few days when speaking of being comfortable in my skin because I have been eating terribly and I feel so fat :X)
Also! I almost forgot, I have an audition. Yes, that’s right, an audition. A woman called me the other day from Barbizon modeling and she was asking if I was interested in a free audition on Sept. 13th. It’s an acting/modeling audition for teenage girls. Although my mother was not thrilled with the news because she thinks they’re asking for money, (Does she not understand the word free ..?) I am still thrilled. I’ll be honest, I’m worried that I’m not quite in shape enough for that, but even though today was bad, there is still tomorrow.
Speaking of eating, last night after the movie, I went out to eat with Jonny to catch up. When I asked the waiter if he could bring me another water and some more cheese and crackers, Jonny, shocked, asked me very loudly if I was pregnant. Can you believe that? I was so embarrassed. The entire restaraunt stared at me, and the waiter awkwardly made the joke “better not be ..heh o_O” Not only did it make me look like some irresponsible teen mother, it gave the idea that I was having an affair, as I’m sure many of them assumed Jonny was my boyfriend. I made him apologize to me. His defense was that he had not ever seen me eat that much. I tried explaining that it’s field hockey season and it’s normal for my appetite to increase, but the damage was done. I felt scandolous in the eyes of the surrounding tables.
It’s 11:07 and I just realized that I left my cellphone downstairs, and Heather probably has been trying to contact me. I’ll wrap it up here, and try to get back on to write once school starts. Unlikely.
But until then, xo.
Filed under: Life
I only wish life was as enticing as it can be in books. Although, perhaps it is and I have yet to discover it.
Heather brought up a great idea to me the other day about creating a quote book. You buy a sketch book and decorate it which ever way you’d like, and just keep track of all the quotes you come along that you like, or that mean something to you. I honestly think it’s brilliant, as it can be looked back on whenever you find yourself in a situation where a few words of wisdom really provide the insight or inspiration you need. I told her that we should make them together but I’ll admit that I’m tempted to start anyway because I have a number of blank sketch books in this very desk and a lifetime of quotes running through my head. I’m also stuck at home tonight. I’ll probably end up doing it. I think I’d also like to fall asleep to my favorite movie, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, before I have a rough time tomorrow morning at practice. Two hours of running? I can’t wait …
I’ll try to update more often, for my own sake.
Untill then, xo.
There’s not enough moments in life when, as quoted in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, you feel “infinite”. There are even fewer people who are able to give you the same feeling. Even more unfortunate is when you find someone who can, but for some reason, all odds are against that person existing in your life -_- I’m not going into details. I’m just in an extremely unfavorable position right now, and considering the circumstances, I am both amazed and completely disappointed.
